Ask Dr Slossgrubber


You asked for him and now you’re stuck wtith him! THE RETURN OF ASK DR. SLOSSGRUBBER World renowned Psychiatrist and Polio Player, Dr. Slossgrubber writes a medical letter from time to time (when he is sobered up). He's a specialist in diseases of the archipelago, which is why he's willing to go out on a limb. Sponsored by the Joke Hotel Miami Beach, Florida "Our Rates Are A Laugh" and THE ELDER LAWYER Click above Why You Should Be Wary of Elder Law Doctor, the more we spend trying to stop our children from addiction, the worse it gets. How can that be? Abe Faultfinder, Swamp City, AL Those so sure government works to protect us from every danger are headed for a big disappointment. It's like a one-way street with two way traffic. While the mental midgets in the Senate and the House vote Quadra-billions to fight drugs around the world, Clinton's FDA O.K.'d the following oafish policy. Bush has more important things on his mind, including his quasi-alcoholic daughters and his own narrow vision. Idiocy knows no political party. You can’t even run for office unless you take a test that measures how well you can contradict yourself without even being conscious. What borderline normal society would think up this crack-induced policy? Eli Lilly can’t get doctors to prescribe enough Prozac. There aren’t enough walking around asking themselves "should I throw myself off the bridge today or wait until after we come back from France." "Prescription" means drugs too dangerous for laymen to self-prescribe. But you can drive your doctor up a wall. You could complain to the HMO. You could find a sympathetic doctor who would prescribe strychnine in baby formula for the price of a visit. So in addition to advertising in medical journals Eli Lilly and hundreds of other pharmaceutical companies advertise on television. Everyone their own doctor! They'll even send you a sample. If it’s the wrong drug, it’s the only sample you'll ever need. Meanwhile General Barry McCaffrey, over here, pal, we gotta problem. The man is so hyped up on drug control, you can't talk to him. Barry, listen! You retired disgraced last year. Don't you remember? What have you been taking? John Walters succeeds Barry. Barry picked him and showed him where he keeps a lot of seized contraband. Wait until high school kids zombies from being imprisoned all day with lightweight teachers, mostly twentyish females with very nice boobs and lovely legs, get their first sample of Prozac thanks to Lilly. They'll be floating through the school day. Behavior will be A+. Subject-matter will be zero. One already addicted looked at me and said "what's a subject and how does it matter?" I read in the local paper that although AIDS threatens only a tiny fraction of Americans, the government has been spending billions for the last decade to find a cure. What happened to all this money? Buddy Clavierchord, Mayhem, MN It went to the political parties to compete for the gay vote. Even this government has to put some lid on research funding, so normal diseases get the ax. They've been puttering around with cancer like its poison ivy for thirty years. They've come up with more powerful drugs. They've better butchers at cutting.Like our meteorologists if you stay tuned to their tests as your life's work, they can warn you early. But they don't know any more today what cancer is than they did thirty years ago. The National Institutes of Health announced a new study on AIDS. They are trying to find out whether it has any connection to the "Greenhouse Effect." Another important study done by public health specialists at NIH (a nice way of saying "lobbyists") found that those who take vitamins are also much more likely to take flyers handed out at entrances to supermarkets. Doctor, I object to your Western centered medicine. There's a lot we can learn from African medicine men. There was a PBS special on this a while ago. Judy Judy, Cambridge, MA Judy, Judy, from the puppet show? There are a lot of PBS specials only intellectuals are crazy enough to believe, especially that voodoo doctor, Bill Moyers and who is that guy who flutters around? Oh! Dr. Derk Chapstick. Thanks to medicine men, you know people in Sierra Leone have almost no osteoporosis according to a study published in Facts on File. It suggests that if your thinking of taking out a subscription you might want to think again. It just doesn’t seem worth it. Anyone who needs an explanation of the above statistic can write Dr. Slossgrubber in confidence at the Yahoo Mental Health board. His answer will be posted on the public board. Doctor, is it true that walking even in your home rather than riding the rapid transit system from room to room actually causes weight loss? Amy Misfit, Medicine Hat, Alberta, Canada. Have you ever been to Cambridge, MA? Do you know Judy Judy? The National Film Board of Canada found that people who eat 12 meals a day are likelier to lose weight if they live in a long house with more than 20 rooms. The Board won Alec Baldwin's Vagabond Film Award. He created it to mark his decision to leave the United States if Bush was elected. But he gives the award only in war-torn Sierra Leone. Somehow the risk seems higher than the reward. I just began an affair with a beautiful 28 year old who needs constant sexual satisfaction. I am a 88 year old widower married for 47 years. I now for the first time find it difficult to climax. I have tried Viagra, penal pumps, rings and injectibles. Nothing works. Alfred E. Kinsey, Berserk, OH The affair is over. The wine is rancid and the roses withered. Your tires are worn. Your brakes are shot. Your springs are probably popping through your seats. Most men are dead by your age and if their wife survives lucky to be gone. Next year, MIT will announce the results of a wacko experiment on longevity and sex. They and several pharmaceutical companies invested billions—yes billions—of dollars. The project had heavy support from President Clinton, who at the time was thinking of leaving Hillary for Monica and her lesbian girlfriend or trading a 40 for two 20s. I'm betting that since everything else runs down with time, there's no reason why God should make an exception of sex. Why should we have a good time when we have plenty of time on our hands? No kids outside the bedroom door laughing and trying to figure out what's going on. That was exactly my thought with my wife. Now, that I could pick up someone clueless just for an appetizer like a frozen pizza, my microwave died. NOTICE TO READERS AND OTHERS Dr. Slossgrubber is available at his office for private consultations. He does not answer questions privately. You should not depend on this column for medical advise since Dr. Slossgrubber has lost all his hospital affiliations and is currently facing three multi-million dollar malpractice suits and one lost jacket.

GOD SAID: "GO AHEAD PEST. ASK THREE QUESTIONS"

I got down on my knees and asked for the meaning of suffering.

There came a sudden crash. The sky opened and a fortune cookie fell to the ground. I pried open the cookie and inside I found this message:

The gods used man to make a maiden pregnant. She bore a peach pit, which she planted. It became an orchard full of luscious fruit. Thunder and lightening came. The lightening set the orchard on fire. In an instant it all turned to ash.

The moral of this story is the importance of grounding all electrical connections. Doctors and lawyers, plumbers and carpenters may have useful skills, but whenever you need electrical wiring call a licensed electrician who knows how to properly install a ground wire. I put the story in Genesis so you pig-headed humans wouldn't forget. And what happens? You stop reading th Bible.

I was in my car in a strange city with twisting lanes and deadends. Suddenly, I realized I had lost all sense of direction. I prayed for divine guidance. There was a deafening silence and then night fell and it began to rain in buckets. I cursed the Creator.

Out of nowhere came a booming, disembodied voice: "What the hell are you bothering me about now, pest?"

"Where am I," I pleaded, quivering with fright.

"You are exactly where you are supposed to be", came the answer.

"That’s not a very helpful answer." I said.

"Look, I’m a busy superintendent", the creator replied. "Do you think I made myself in my divine and mysterious nature just to hang around to answer service calls? Free technical support doesn't last forever. Read the manual I gave you with the program. I also gave you maps to help them find your way. I even send you free patches whenever I find bugs and extra features like drawing lines of latitude and longitude. That’s more than that cheapskate Gates does. And you shell out for his buggy programs.

If you want more support from Me, you’ll have to wait for the whole thing 5.0. That will cost you big bucks. You think I work for nothing? I have bills to pay also. You should see my electric bill when there are few lightning storms.

If you can’t afford to pay for additional professional support, why do you think I created woman? Ask your insignificant other. See how smart she is when it comes to directions. Give her credit. At least she asks. But a panhandler!"

I begged the Supreme Being to tell me why we have to die. I was surprised at how quickly he answered the phone.

IS IN DIRE STRAITS FINANCIALLY. HE DESPERATELY NEEDS THIS WASTED BUT VALUABLE SPACE RENTED TO ALMOST ANY BUSINESS SHORT OF THE INDECENT OR THE ILLEGAL. UNFORTUNATELY, THAT LEAVES HIM WITH ONLY TWO CHOICES, EITHER BOYS TOWN OR RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATIONS THAT HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE NEWS AT LEAST IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS, WHICH LEAVES TWO RELIGIONS, THE QUAKERS AND SIXTY SEVEN DAY ADVENTISTS. THE QUAKERS ARE BUSY GETTING TREATED FOR PARKINSON'S AND THE SIXTY SEVEN DAY ADVENTISTS ARE INVOLVED IN A THEOLOGICAL DISPUTE AS TO WHETHER GOD INTENDED US TO DRIVE SUVS OR ONLY YUGOS.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL THE PROPRIETOR RENT SPACE TO THE FOLLOWING ORGANIZATIONS. THEY ARE KNOWN TROUBLEMAKERS:

THE NATIONAL ORGASM FOR WOMEN

THE AMERICAN LEGAL CIRCULAR EUPHEMISM

NATIONAL PUBIC RADIO AND PUBIC BROADCASTING

THE REPUBLICO-DEMOCRATIC PARTY

MOHAMMEDAN FRIENDSHIP AND SHOOTING CLUB

AMERICAN MEDICAL AND PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATIONS BECAUSE OF PAST MENTAL BREAKDOWNS

MULTI-NATIONAL CORPORATIONS BECAUSE THEY NEVER PAY THEIR BILLS AND YOU CAN'T FIND THEIR ADDRESSES

THE IVY LEAGUE COLLEGES BECAUSE I ONLY WRITE ENGLISH AND THEY HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH THE LANGUAGE

SIERRA CLUB BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SAVE THE EARTH I WANT TO USE IT WHILE I'M HERE.

NATIONAL TEACHERS ASSOCIATION BECAUSE THEY ARE NEITHER NATIONA NOR DO THEY TEACH. ALL THEY DO IS ASSOCIATE.

THE NEW YORK TIMES BECAUSE IT IS NOT FIT FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT IF YOU ARE MOVING. IT PROVIDES PLENTY OF WRAPPING PAPER.

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION ABOUT RATES OR TO SUBMIT YOUR MATERIAL FOR SCRUTINY, WRITE:

Luigi Linguini
Castel Gondolfo
c/o Pope John Paul II
Lago Albano, Italia

THE TEN GREATEST EVENTS IN HISTORY AFTER MY BIRTH

THE SACKING OF ROME

THE INVENTION OF FIRECRACKERS BY THE CHINESE WHILE TRYING TO COME UP CRACKERJACKS.

ITALY'S INVASION OF ETHIOPIA WITH TWO MULES AND A DONKEY, THE LATTER BEING MUSSOLINI

THE CONVERSION OF NEW GUINEA TO PAGANISM

THE TRANSLATION OF THE VULGAR EDITION OF THE BIBLE

HITLER'S CONQUEST OF EVA BRAUN

THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY AFTER DIANA'S DEATH

THE INVENTION OF THE THREE WHEELER BICYCLE BY THE INCAS A THOUSAND YEARS BEFORE EUORPE INVENTED THE WHEEL.

BEETHOVEN FINALLY ROLLING OVER A AND PLAYING DEAD AND APPRECIATING HIS DEAFNESS

THE INVENTION OF "FINGER-LICKIN" GOOD CHICKEN BY COLONEL SAUNDERS AFTER HE WAS ALMOST FRIED HIMSELF BY GENERAL SHERMAN DURING HIS MARCH THROUGH GEORGIA. GEORGIA ALSO FELT VIOLATED.

You asked for him and now you’re stuck wtith him!

THE RETURN OF ASK DR. SLOSSGRUBBER

World renowned Psychiatrist and Polio Player, Dr. Slossgrubber writes a medical letter from time to time (when he is sobered up). He's a specialist in diseases of the archipelago, which is why he's willing to go out on a limb.

Sponsored by the Joke Hotel Miami Beach, Florida "Our Rates Are A Laugh" and

THE ELDER LAWYER

Click above Why You Should Be Wary of Elder Law

Doctor, the more we spend trying to stop our children from addiction, the worse it gets. How can that be? Abe Faultfinder, Swamp City, AL

I read in the local paper that although AIDS threatens only a tiny fraction of Americans, the government has been spending billions for the last decade to find a cure. What happened to all this money? Buddy Clavierchord, Mayhem, MN

Another important study done by public health specialists at NIH (a nice way of saying "lobbyists") found that those who take vitamins are also much more likely to take flyers handed out at entrances to supermarkets.

Doctor, I object to your Western centered medicine. There's a lot we can learn from African medicine men. There was a PBS special on this a while ago. Judy Judy, Cambridge, MA

Judy, Judy, from the puppet show? There are a lot of PBS specials only intellectuals are crazy enough to believe, especially that voodoo doctor, Bill Moyers and who is that guy who flutters around? Oh! Dr. Derk Chapstick.

Thanks to medicine men, you know people in Sierra Leone have almost no osteoporosis according to a study published in Facts on File. It suggests that if your thinking of taking out a subscription you might want to think again. It just doesn’t seem worth it.

Anyone who needs an explanation of the above statistic can write Dr. Slossgrubber in confidence at the Yahoo Mental Health board. His answer will be posted on the public board.

Doctor, is it true that walking even in your home rather than riding the rapid transit system from room to room actually causes weight loss? Amy Misfit, Medicine Hat, Alberta, Canada.

I just began an affair with a beautiful 28 year old who needs constant sexual satisfaction. I am a 88 year old widower married for 47 years. I now for the first time find it difficult to climax. I have tried Viagra, penal pumps, rings and injectibles. Nothing works. Alfred E. Kinsey, Berserk, OH

The affair is over. The wine is rancid and the roses withered. Your tires are worn. Your brakes are shot. Your springs are probably popping through your seats. Most men are dead by your age and if their wife survives lucky to be gone.

NOTICE TO READERS AND OTHERS